I permit anger, guilt and shame. I permit joy in small bouts and happiness when it surprises me. I permit freedom to sleep in and take days off. But I am yet to accept that I am worthy of your love.
God this was painful to read. I teared up, had to pause in between. It's funny how a stranger's experience can resonate with you and how you can totally be vulnerable in front of a screen, reading someone else. My psychotherapist asked me in my previous session: What are you looking for in marital intimacy?
I didn't even realize when I said: I want to feel worthy. Worthy?!!
I resisted leaving a personal response to your essay here. But then again, I think when a writer braves a personal essay like this, I want to celebrate her courage by showing up as my true self too.
Thank you, Samira. For normalizing these feelings for people like me. How many of us think we are suffering alone?! Thank you! Sending you hugs and love on this journey of self-connection.
This is one of the most essential explorations you have done in your writing. Your show us how to be very gentle with oneself. The body knows. The body has its own language. We must listen to it - without judgment or expectations.
To need space to be able to accept and reciprocate love is the way many of us are wired. It’s the right way for us. When we give ourselves the permission to honour it, those intimate with us will celebrate it too.
In reading your essays, I’m slowly putting together the puzzle of your life. We met in a writing cohort, so there is no background, context or understanding of your backstory. Now, as I read pieces of you, I am slowly piecing together to know you. What a delightful journey…I can sense you are doing this too. Many hugs…you deserve them. Someday you will feel what melting into embrace can do to you…I’m hoping for that.
You have a very special voice, Samira! It is bold and vulnerable at the same time. Hard hitting, but in a gentle way. Deep, but easy to read. Amazing!❤️
As I read this essay, my heart kept moving from my chest to my throat. I had to pause many times to catch my breath. To see you write so honestly about a love so pure is a privilege to witness. Maybe you cannot reciprocate as you would like to. But you see it, value it, and in this piece, you have celebrated it. Thank you for sharing this with the world, Samira. This too is an act of love.
Thank you Parool. I feel both young and old when I think and write about love - as if I am yet to find the most important component of the mechanism that is my body. Your words felt like a soothing balm, something I needed to hear today.
I do not want to sound cliched but this is me and my story in parts. Always in a hurry, no time to just lie back and feel the love. I tell myself Work is love made visible. Make the green chicken, make the cold buttermilk.... This is the easy work. The hard work is settling into the crook of the loved one's arm and in silence. Thank you Samira for your brave writing. May all the love be yours and you soon realise you are worth all of it and more. Excuse me bringing in my own story. And I am so grateful to Natasha for her workshop - it opened so many doors and windows for me too.
I do specially felt a chord about the entire idea you felt about the guilt of being the wrong deal in the relationship. Takes a lot of strength to battle that .
Samira, this is such a wonderful essay. It reminds me of a book I am reading called "Permission to feel". I can relate to the feeling of not being worthy enough & you have captured it so beautifully.
How lucky we are to witness your brave, vulnerable honesty, Samira! Truly in awe of this essay. It made me deeply uncomfortable, sad but also joyfully hopeful. I am awestruck by the resonance this piece has with me, even as I always considered myself to be so expressive and comfortable in both giving and receiving love. There's so much to explore and introspect for myself, thanks to your piece. Wonderfully crafted. I will be returning to this again and again. Lots of love!
In this essay, we hear a different voice than in your previous essays. It is vulnerable, yearning, patient and waiting keenly for love to both grow and be recognised as it is. There is curiosity of how you will be led into more acceptance and surrender. Your curiosity is your biggest strength.
Your description of his body, his presence, his love - tell us how much you love him. Thank you for the courage you bring to the memoir workshop. ♥️🌸
Dear Samira, giving oneself permission is alien to me - i have sought & demanded & taken what i believed to be rightfully mine till it was rudely taken away - i still continue to believe its mine & i don’t need permission- you are showing me so much of the other side with your heart-wrenching poetic stance. This is so, so beautiful & moves me to tears: the deep sadness of it; yet it is what i must ponder upon & now imagine & grasp why so many women i know baulk at intimacy. I understand a little better now. God bless.
Thank You Kamalini! So many of us are wired to give and not ask or receive. We are taught to be kind and helpful, putting the needs of everyone else above our own. This path is destructive and eventually leads to us not knowing how to ask, accept or be loved without wanting to please. To be truly intimate we first need to be able to receive without giving back - allowing pleasure to guide our sense of self. It is much harder than the novels make it out to be!
You said it my friend, and because I was a second child, and intrinsically eager to both please and be pleased- I found my unique manner of greedily allowing the spaces created to guide me, and thank goodness it worked! It could’ve not! To be truly intimate, we must receive with joy. I’ve tried telling so many of my friends how it is NOT a bad thing, and that pride mustn’t get in the way, that you don’t always have to be the giver, giver, giver and not tune into the balance that must define this relationship of taking and giving. It took me some growing up to find that balance, because I turned turtle somewhere along the way, and became the Giver too. Turning back on my back wasn’t easy- because the giving and taking was complexly off-key. My partner showed me the way, showed me what was wrong and then, I learnt and continue to.
Thank you Samira for writing from your heart and your life. Much love
Beautiful essay, Samira. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write - so thanks for doing it and also putting it out into the world for us to read. It is so honest, vulnerable, and true for many of us. Hugs!
God this was painful to read. I teared up, had to pause in between. It's funny how a stranger's experience can resonate with you and how you can totally be vulnerable in front of a screen, reading someone else. My psychotherapist asked me in my previous session: What are you looking for in marital intimacy?
I didn't even realize when I said: I want to feel worthy. Worthy?!!
I resisted leaving a personal response to your essay here. But then again, I think when a writer braves a personal essay like this, I want to celebrate her courage by showing up as my true self too.
Thank you, Samira. For normalizing these feelings for people like me. How many of us think we are suffering alone?! Thank you! Sending you hugs and love on this journey of self-connection.
Thank you Sanobar - for your honesty and kind words. I did not know how much I struggled with intimacy till I put pen to paper. Hugs back :)
I’ve been thinking of this essay since I read it - it keeps showing up in my life at different moments. Thank you, really!
I am ecstatic, grateful and humbled - all at the same time Sanobar. Thank YOU!
Dear Samira,
This is one of the most essential explorations you have done in your writing. Your show us how to be very gentle with oneself. The body knows. The body has its own language. We must listen to it - without judgment or expectations.
To need space to be able to accept and reciprocate love is the way many of us are wired. It’s the right way for us. When we give ourselves the permission to honour it, those intimate with us will celebrate it too.
Thank you! It's been the toughest topic to write on - intimacy has eluded me my whole life. Maybe it's time to make space for it.
Oh absolutely 💜
Dear Samira,
In reading your essays, I’m slowly putting together the puzzle of your life. We met in a writing cohort, so there is no background, context or understanding of your backstory. Now, as I read pieces of you, I am slowly piecing together to know you. What a delightful journey…I can sense you are doing this too. Many hugs…you deserve them. Someday you will feel what melting into embrace can do to you…I’m hoping for that.
Thank you Rituparna! You are so right - the best way to understand yourself is to write :)
You have a very special voice, Samira! It is bold and vulnerable at the same time. Hard hitting, but in a gentle way. Deep, but easy to read. Amazing!❤️
Thank you Alaknanda! 💛
As I read this essay, my heart kept moving from my chest to my throat. I had to pause many times to catch my breath. To see you write so honestly about a love so pure is a privilege to witness. Maybe you cannot reciprocate as you would like to. But you see it, value it, and in this piece, you have celebrated it. Thank you for sharing this with the world, Samira. This too is an act of love.
Thank you Parool. I feel both young and old when I think and write about love - as if I am yet to find the most important component of the mechanism that is my body. Your words felt like a soothing balm, something I needed to hear today.
I do not want to sound cliched but this is me and my story in parts. Always in a hurry, no time to just lie back and feel the love. I tell myself Work is love made visible. Make the green chicken, make the cold buttermilk.... This is the easy work. The hard work is settling into the crook of the loved one's arm and in silence. Thank you Samira for your brave writing. May all the love be yours and you soon realise you are worth all of it and more. Excuse me bringing in my own story. And I am so grateful to Natasha for her workshop - it opened so many doors and windows for me too.
Thank you for sharing your story Charulatha. Why do we write from the heart if not to find ourselves and our struggles in other people's stories. 💛
Grateful!!
Such a poignant note,S.
I do specially felt a chord about the entire idea you felt about the guilt of being the wrong deal in the relationship. Takes a lot of strength to battle that .
Thank you Arindam!
Samira, this is such a wonderful essay. It reminds me of a book I am reading called "Permission to feel". I can relate to the feeling of not being worthy enough & you have captured it so beautifully.
Thank you Ajay! Sounds like an interesting book. Would you recommend it to others?
Yes absolutely
How lucky we are to witness your brave, vulnerable honesty, Samira! Truly in awe of this essay. It made me deeply uncomfortable, sad but also joyfully hopeful. I am awestruck by the resonance this piece has with me, even as I always considered myself to be so expressive and comfortable in both giving and receiving love. There's so much to explore and introspect for myself, thanks to your piece. Wonderfully crafted. I will be returning to this again and again. Lots of love!
Thank you Sana. So grateful to have met you and written with you. Cheers to our journey of discovery, love and healing.
In this essay, we hear a different voice than in your previous essays. It is vulnerable, yearning, patient and waiting keenly for love to both grow and be recognised as it is. There is curiosity of how you will be led into more acceptance and surrender. Your curiosity is your biggest strength.
Your description of his body, his presence, his love - tell us how much you love him. Thank you for the courage you bring to the memoir workshop. ♥️🌸
Thank you Raju - for creating a space where we can write without fear of judgement ❤️
Dear Samira, giving oneself permission is alien to me - i have sought & demanded & taken what i believed to be rightfully mine till it was rudely taken away - i still continue to believe its mine & i don’t need permission- you are showing me so much of the other side with your heart-wrenching poetic stance. This is so, so beautiful & moves me to tears: the deep sadness of it; yet it is what i must ponder upon & now imagine & grasp why so many women i know baulk at intimacy. I understand a little better now. God bless.
Thank You Kamalini! So many of us are wired to give and not ask or receive. We are taught to be kind and helpful, putting the needs of everyone else above our own. This path is destructive and eventually leads to us not knowing how to ask, accept or be loved without wanting to please. To be truly intimate we first need to be able to receive without giving back - allowing pleasure to guide our sense of self. It is much harder than the novels make it out to be!
You said it my friend, and because I was a second child, and intrinsically eager to both please and be pleased- I found my unique manner of greedily allowing the spaces created to guide me, and thank goodness it worked! It could’ve not! To be truly intimate, we must receive with joy. I’ve tried telling so many of my friends how it is NOT a bad thing, and that pride mustn’t get in the way, that you don’t always have to be the giver, giver, giver and not tune into the balance that must define this relationship of taking and giving. It took me some growing up to find that balance, because I turned turtle somewhere along the way, and became the Giver too. Turning back on my back wasn’t easy- because the giving and taking was complexly off-key. My partner showed me the way, showed me what was wrong and then, I learnt and continue to.
Thank you Samira for writing from your heart and your life. Much love
Your story and words will resonate with so many of us, men and women alike. Thank you for sharing Kamalini.
Beautiful essay, Samira. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write - so thanks for doing it and also putting it out into the world for us to read. It is so honest, vulnerable, and true for many of us. Hugs!
Thank you Ila! Your feedback and encouragement go a long way for writers like me, who are still trying to find their voice.