25 / Folds

On embracing an ageing body

My body folds,
like undulating mountains and valleys
that have seen the passage of time,
the skin soft with stretch marks 
that are earned.

It forms shapes
that will not fit in a beauty magazine,
my girth too wide,
and belly too soft,
the chin no longer defined by youth,
lines etched deeper into my face.

My body is not made to remain
young,
anti-aged,
supple,
fresh,
taut.

It does not exist
so that you can sell me,
creams and potions,
tight underwear and corsets,
secrets and recipes,
advice and science-backed research,
it refuses to conform
like it once did.

I could hate it,
this shell of skin and bones,
that has kept my secrets
and bears the weight of my grief,
loss, failure.
I could ask you
what to wear,
how to look younger,
prettier,
not so old.

But you have whispered long enough,
and I have listened like a fool,
while I ignored the sighs and aches
of my skin that now wants to breathe,
my body that wants me to let it be.

So I will let it,
I will let it hold my child in an embrace
that smells like home,
I will let it be held by my partner
fierce and firm.
I will let it move as it wishes,
and sit as it pleases.

I will let it hold me
like it has all these years,
as I admire the curve of my belly,
and the width of my hips,
the dip of my chin,
and the crinkle of my eyes,
my laugh lines,
and fault lines
stretch marks,
and love handles
all of it,
the whole thing
that is me as much as I am it.

And I will flaunt it,
with red lips,
and bright clothes,
wild hair and comfortable shoes,
I will strut the streets,
and blow kisses to you.

And if you listen,
then I will tell you,
the seat is too small
to fit in all of you,
the glorious and the gory,
the beauty and the beast.

If you will listen,
I will tell you,
your body wants to roam,
breathe, dance, plonk
Let it be free,
of prejudice and judgement,
hate and shame
and guilt that is not yours to carry.
let it be free to love itself,
folds included.

Naqab (Mask) explores the many masks I wear as an Indian woman. It is my attempt to unravel, and discover my deep-seated conditioning, biases, strengths and weaknesses, one portrait at a time.

The project will span a year, with one portrait every week.

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Head here for the entire series.

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