22 / Solitude

Being lonely is different from being alone

Noun

the state or situation of being alone

she savoured her few hours of freedom and solitude

There was a time when I thought that loneliness was a result of being alone. I was new to Delhi and had not yet made many friends. I spent a lot of time by myself and felt lonely for most of the first year. My social life grew slowly - colleagues became friends, I reconnected with my college friends and met new people. I surrounded myself with people and worked late on days I had no one to hang out with. I did not allow silence to permeate, keeping it at bay with music and movies.

That was seventeen years ago. Since then, I have made a full and beautiful life for myself. I have grown, and my views on many things have changed – including loneliness. I am no longer lonely. And I like being alone.

The time I get to myself is fleeting. Sometimes, it’s an hour, and sometimes just a few minutes. Some days, I fight for it, and on other days, all I have to do is ask for it. Making time for myself does not come naturally to me. I am often reminded of the lonely evenings and nights I spent as a young adult. It is a trigger that I have yet to overcome.

However, over the years, I have found myself growing fonder of my company. I like being left alone, often encouraging my husband to go out with friends when I'm not in the mood. I have not yet learnt to sit in silence. Music and movies still fill up my evenings. The phone takes over when the TV is not on. A book replaces the phone on many nights. Sometimes, I call a friend for that long overdue call. I am alone, doing things I enjoy.

I still have a long way to go before I can say that I can sit in silence with myself without the aid of technology or words. But I no longer feel alone in my own company.

Naqab (Mask) explores the many masks I wear as an Indian woman. It is my attempt to unravel, and discover my deep-seated conditioning, biases, strengths and weaknesses, one portrait at a time.

The project will span a year, with one portrait every week.

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Head here for the entire series.

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