20 / Validation
When my self-worth is dependent on you
As a little girl, my mother’s opinion mattered the most. As I grew older, the opinions of the men in my family began to impact my confidence. The male gaze took center stage, because if my brothers thought I looked good, the other men would too. I looked at myself in the mirror often but rarely saw myself. The mirror showed a version that was created by others. It was not me, but I did not know that.
I have always needed validation. I used to call it critique when it came to my work, feedback when it came to my writing and a second opinion when it came to clothes.
If you tell me I look good, then I look good. If you tell me you love my work, then I love my work. And if you tell me that I write well, then perhaps I write well too.
If you tell me I could do better, I will work harder. If you tell me that my writing can go deeper, I will spend all my time and energy producing work that will please you. If you tell me that my outfit doesn’t suit me, I’ll never wear it again. See how it works?
I gave away my power so long ago that I didn’t know I ever had it – the ability to not care about your opinion. The ability to stop asking you, “What do you think? Did you like it?”
It has taken years to understand this part of me. It sits so deeply within my psyche that I am often unaware of the impact you have on me. I feel sad when you don’t see me, the rejection of your attention driving me to work harder. I hold you responsible for my sense of self-worth. When you do see me, I smile at your acceptance. I am pleased, chuffed, and proud. I did something right.
Validation is the darkest part of my being. It feeds on my shame, doubt and self-esteem. I have allowed it to thrive for too long. It is now time to face it, fight it, own it, reject it and move on.
All I ask of you, is to like me.
Naqab (Mask) explores the many masks I wear as an Indian woman. It is my attempt to unravel, and discover my deep-seated conditioning, biases, strengths and weaknesses, one portrait at a time.
The project will span a year, with one portrait every week.
Head here for the entire series.
If you liked this project, please consider sharing or recommending my publication. It would immensely help a new writer like me reach a wider audience.
I would love to hear from you! Drop in a comment and let me know your thoughts.
I love this, Samira! Own every part of you and inspire your readers too.
Samira I read this today and like Charulatha am I glad I did. I am stunned at how you are peeling layer after layer, unmasking as you say. It is brave and generous of you to share this journey with us, as also your vulnerable self. This piece really resonated.