17 / Forty-Two

The answer to the meaning of life

I turned forty-two this year. It’s not a milestone number – neither the beginning of another decade nor a midpoint. The sweet 16, 18 and 21 are left way behind, and 50 is too far away. If I lived till eighty-four, it would make this year the perfect midpoint – half my life behind me and the second half stretching ahead into the unknown.

Birthdays are special. I love them with the enthusiasm of a child. I am not fussy about the kind of celebration each birthday brings. It can be a holiday, a party, a small dinner with close friends, an all-out, all-night rager, or a small lunch. If you invite me, I will be there with a bottle of booze, homemade cake and uninterrupted time.

My birthday, though, is another beast. I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed by the number of years behind me. For the whole year, I give myself entirely to friends, family, my daughter, husband, home, pets and my business. I keep only one day for myself – a reminder of the many lives I have lived, the hard lessons I have learned, and the little joys that have made my life beautiful. A day to pat myself on the back and say, “You’ve done well for yourself. I’m proud of you.”

My birthday celebrations have ranged from wildly drunken nights with seemingly no end to quiet sundowners with my closest friends. On my fortieth birthday, I threw a party that could rival a wedding event. There was a DJ, two bartenders, catered food, and disco lights that sent up signals for Batman. My entire extended family and many friends flew down to Delhi to celebrate with me. I planned it for six months. There was sequin, glitter, a disco ball, tequila and so much love.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not always a big celebration. There have also been years when I have spent a quiet day with family and been perfectly happy. My day is made as long as there is a cake and good wishes.

Then why is forty-two so important? You might scoff, maybe even roll your eyes, but I’ll tell you anyway. Because that is the point of unmasking, isn’t it? And this is my favourite mask.

This year, I feel closer to myself than I have ever felt before. I feel an energy guiding, protecting, and urging me forward. I feel connected to my ancestors in a way I cannot explain. My decisions put my needs first without compromising on the needs of my family. I am learning to draw clear boundaries and explore new ones. I am shedding my old skin – slowly peeling away all that is unnecessary. Underneath lies a woman coming into her own - who is not afraid to fall and hurt, to love and be loved, to taste success and learn from failure. I see myself clearly: the past, present and future merging into a collective image of who I am and who I will become.

Perhaps Deep Thought* was right.

42 is the answer to all of life’s questions.

Come, celebrate with me.

*In Douglas Adams' science fiction novel, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a supercomputer named Deep Thought is asked a question: What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything? After millions of years of processing, Deep Thought responds with a number: 42.

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Naqab (Mask) explores the many masks I wear as an Indian woman. It is my attempt to unravel, and discover my deep-seated conditioning, biases, strengths and weaknesses, one portrait at a time.

The project will span a year, with one portrait every week.

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Head here for the entire series.

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